So many titles...You're not always the "Window Boss"

You know I had so many titles to choose from for this blog....It could have been WTHF (What the hell Florida??) It could have been "Who Just Touched My Face?" It could have been "Children should have their own separate airline..." I could come up with several more after my trip home today from Pensacola, Florida (business trip) where um hello?? It was freezing to death and I packed warm Costa Rica clothes... I mean what the  h  e  double hockey sticks Florida??

So I just flew back into Costa Rica and I must say that 3 1/2 hours on a plane with 4 toddlers, (2 screaming twins), a crying infant, and the woman next to me actually using the "barf bag" (first time I ever saw anyone use one!) was quite relaxing and enjoyable....just like the time I broke my arm.

So I arrived at the airport at 4:00 this morning so I could go through security and get to the gate an hour and 45 minutes before boarding time (since they say "be here 2 hours early") and just sit there freezing in Antarctic Florida. Finally I got on the plane and propped my head up with my stuffed turtle I always take with me when I travel. It was a gift from my husband, and I actually fell asleep... which is rare for me because I absolutely cannot sleep on public transportation because I'm always afraid  someone will steal my stuff. Anyway I was holding the turtle up to the window beside my head with my hand and I had pulled my headband down over my eyes...and I dozed off...and then I felt someone TOUCHING MY FREAKING FACE!!! I woke up and realized what what was happening and that there was a hand on my face and I sat up and ripped the headband off my eyes and while looking around said, "Who just touched my face?!!"...the lady next to me and her husband both looked at me freaked out like I was crazy or something?? Well I sat there for a minute looking around trying to figure out if I had been dreaming or what, and I realized MY hand had slid from the turtle when I fell asleep and fallen onto the side of my face. So yeah, I was touching my own face and acted like a maniac about it.

Well while I had "dozed off" into Paranoia Land, someone had reached over and shut the airplane blind....um excuse me, but I thought the person in the "window seat" was the "Window Boss". So the lady next to me was sniffling and seemed sick so I decided to be nice and leave the window down...the whole first 3 hours and 20 minutes...but the last 10 were mine baby. I jerked that blind up and prepared to watch the mountains as we were flying into Costa Rica. I was so enthralled in the mountain view that I didn't even notice the woman beside me with the barf bag up to her mouth. At first I thought she was hyperventilating until some vomit splashed out of the bag...yeah I know, hyperventilating was a better scenario for me too. So I jerked the window shade back down so fast the wing nearly fell off my side of the airplane and I said, "I'm so sorry, you should have told me and I would have closed the window." She was really nice and said, "That's ok, it always happens." By this time she had filled up her bag so I dug out mine from the seat back in front of me and gave it to her. She finally stopped vomiting and all the kids start back crying and screaming. (I felt like I was in a nightmare and I was just waiting for the oxygen masks to drop down from above).- I said, "Man, little kids need their own separate airline so they can all play and cry together..." She just kind of looked at me and then said, "I'm a kindergarten teacher." I wanted to say, "And.........know you still hear all that damn hollering." But I kept the redneck inside of me and said, "Oh. I'm a dog person :)" and kept my mouth shut til I got out of the airport. Now it's time to unpack and rest.  I'm too tired to proofread this so forgive the mistakes...or don't. I don't care. Until next time my 4 faithful readers :)

Worst "Blogger" in the world.

I couldn't even be called a "blogger" as rarely as I do it. I just passed a homeless woman here in downtown San Jose. She was probably 80 years old, sitting on the side of the street. I watched her as she trapped a piece of paper under her feet and struggled to pick it up. I thought it was a dollar as hard as she was struggling to lift it to her hand with her feet. After numerous attemtpts I turned around and walked back to her. I picked up the "dollar" but it was only a scrap of paper. I don't know if she knew it was just a piece of litter and was trying to clean it up, or had thought it was money. Either way, when she smiled at me with her toothless smile my heart broke into a million pieces.  I'm in the middle of paychecks and I'll admit things are tight. I searched the house for change to take the bus here just to walk a round and have something to do. I also scraped up enough to by some candy (don't feel sorry for me) while I was here...but I gave all my change to the homeless woman. Then I came here to the park to "blog" and people-watch and listen to Ani Difranco. People-watching is hard to do when everyone is watching you. I'm reminded again that even though I've been here  2 years and 9 months I still stick out like a nun in a bar doing shots of tequila. There's a freak sitting across from me (well laying on the ground) with white contacts in his eyes. He and I seem to be the "attractions" of the park today.  (I'll admit, my mohawk and dress with Nikes don't help me blend in.)

I want to write and be all deep and insightful but I guess I'm too private a person for all that jazz... So I'll try to be a little insightful and share some things I've learned here in Costa Rica:

- roosters crow all the freaking time, not just when the sun comes up
- parrots can fly when they are not locked in a cage and it is a truly beautiful site
- if you shake an egg and it moves arond inside and makes noise then it's bad
- if yu have light hair/eyes/eyebrows, people will call you "macha" or "machita" no matter what your name is and you will be overcharged whether it's for food, water, or clothes...or eggs (hence the Gringa Price)
- chickens sleep in trees
- showers in cold water cause bad moods (for me)
- making a living in Costa Rica is hard
- seeing the mountains never gets old
- landlords can legally raise your rent 10% every year (although mine raised mine 30% last year)

Man I feel sorry for the dude with the white contacts. He looks like maybe he's coming down off some drugs and doesn't know where he is. If he would keep his tongue in his mouth and stop talking to himeself then people might not stare at him so much...and if he got up off the ground and took out the white warefolf contacts...and all that guyliner.

I'll leave you with some lyrics of Ani Difranco:
"I'm in the middle of Alabama and they stare at me where ever I go. I don't think they like my haircut, I don't think they like my clothes. I can't wait to get back to New York City, where at least when I walk down the street, no one ever hesitates...to tell me exactly what they think of me..."

Hey the white contact guy just sat up and he's picking his nose! He's definately attracting  more attention than me  today =)

I'm outy...til next time.

Things from when I was young…

This one’s for Mommer and Kimbob.

I remember…

eating at the Chinese restaurant every Tuesday after dance lessons w/ my mom and sister...and ordering the same thing every single week…beef with mixed vegetables

the password someone had to give to pick us up from school (so we would know our parents sent them and we weren't being kidnapped): yummy yogurt

being mean to my sister and my mom saying, "One day you'll feel bad about that...." and I do.

making my sister eat dog food b/c I liked the way the dogs crunched it in their teeth and I wanted to see is she could too.

when my dad made me vacuum the floor (with the huge vacuum that was connected with the handheld part to the huge body the size of a small car) and I was mad so I spit my gum in the carpet and tried to vacuum it up... I got a spanking for that one...

the first time i ever saw my dad cry...when our miniature pincher was hit by a car and he had to dig a hole and bury him (RIPSambo).

my dad squishing lighting bugs on my shirt and making it glow....

making my sister eat lighting bugs and making her teeth glow...

the first time i ever said a curse word…I was in 5th grade on the playground with a girl named Angel...

getting my mouth washed out w/ soap by my mom for calling my sister a "buttlicker"...

the look on my mom’s face first time i accidentally dropped the "f" bomb in front of her when i was riding w/ her in the car and it slipped out...

the first and only time i ever heard my mom sing, when she was helping me practice my solo of "Just As I Am" for church...

my mom having dinner ready every night.

trying to stay awake on Christmas Eve so I could try and see Santa Claus...

believing my mom when she said Santa Claus parked his sleigh and reindeer on the roof of the mall while he was inside listening to children tell him what they (we) wanted for Christmas...

It’s been a year since I last blogged (October of 2011)…so this is for those of you that have been on me to post some more (you know who you are!). Yes, I’m still alive. My husband and I, and our Chihuahua, and Pomeranian are still in Costa Rica. We now also have a white Siberian Husky named Elvis (yeah, I’m from Memphis, TN, what do you expect?). I’ve been running for the last few months and this Sunday I will be in my 1st race. It’s only a 5K but I’m still nervous. Hopefully there will be at least one person running that is slower than me (hopefully more than one person)…

Anyway, I still have extremely weird moments here from time to time (like every week). I’m a 34 year old feminine woman with a Mohawk. Maybe that’s why people stare at me…but why do they take my picture? On 3 occasions someone has (not so subtly) taken my picture:

Time #1: I was at the grocery store looking at spaghetti sauce (not that that part is relevant), and I noticed a flash out of the corner of my eye. I turned to look and there was a girl there with her cell phone out. I asked (in Spanish) “Did you just take my picture?” I wasn’t mean or anything, I was just kind of weirdedout. She replied, “Um no. It was a text message.” To which I responded, “Wow, your camera flashes when you text. Cool.” She turned and walked off.

Time #2: I was sitting on the bus one day riding home in a seat by myself. (Even though there are 2 seats together no one ever sits with me.) I was looking straight ahead staring at the back of the seat in front of me, thinking about how much riding the bus sucks, when I noticed once again that pesky little flash out of the corner of my eye...yeah again. I turned and looked and it was a teenage guy with his phone out. I said, “Did you just take my picture?” Not in a mean way, but in a confused curious kind of way. He said, “No, I was taking a picture out the window of the mountains.” Ummm ok so San Jose is surrounded by mountains so everywhere you look there is a freaking mountain….so it was a lameballs excuse. I mean people should at least say, “1,2,3,cheeeeeeeeese!” so I’ll be ready and I can suck in. Whatevs.

Time #3: It was blatantly obvious. I was standing on the side of the street waiting for the bus and a car goes by with a guy hanging out the window. He yelled, “HEY GRINGA!” Of course I looked up and he took my picture. And of course I wasn’t ready (sucking in) or anything. I’m always afraid I’ll come across a picture of me on the internet, looking down, with a double-chin. So if you see any double-chin pics of me just remember that I WASN’T READY.

The Car is OK

So last Thursday my husband and I realized he'd left his ATM card INSIDE the ATM at the gas station the previous Saturday. Yeah. The girl who works there knows us so I told him I'd stop by on my way home from work because if someone turned it in she would hold it for us. I got off work and stopped by there, but no, she didn't have it because no one turned it in (hope the person who got it knows karma). So I thanked her and went back out to my car...which was parked around the corner of the store because the front spaces had been full when I got there. The gas station is in a shopping center with a Pizza Hut and a bar, and it's across from a huge 24/7 farmer's market where all the grocery stores go to purchase their produce. Ok so I leave the store and turn the corner and see an old (drunk) man with a white beard and white hair walking towards me. Right away he says, "kdjfkdfoieeijfljfdlfjdklfefj;ewofjeofeofjfjdslkfjdfafj Gringa!" Yeah, I didn't catch the first part, but seeing as how I was the only "gringa" around I knew he was talking to me. He starts following me and keeps talking. I looked at him and said, "I don't speak Spanish," although this did not deter him. So he follows me around to the driver's side and I got in the car. As I'm shutting the door he tries to climb in too...yeah. I hit him in the face and (probably because he was already drunk, and not so much because of my big muscles) he falls back far enough for me to get the door shut. You know how in scary movies the person trying to get away always drops their keys? Well they're stupid because my key went right into the ignition and I drove away like a robber from a bank. After arriving home and giving my husband all the dramatics he said, "Oh no! Is the car ok?"

Mich + elle = Miguel

There are 2 reasons I have trouble understanding my neighbor:
1. he's 80 and I don't understand old people when they speak Spanish
2. he has no teeth and I don't understand people with no teeth when they speak Spanish

So my neighbor, Mr. Jose (yes, the same name as my husband and my chihuahua) and I introduced ourselves to each other a while back. Well it took me a while but I finally figured out he's been calling me Miguel instead of Michelle. He says, "Hola, como esta Miguel?" or "How's your husband Miguel?" (Miguel is a guy's name by the way, so I guess he thinks my husband and I are 2 gay guys.) So the other day I said, "Hola Mr. Jose, hey you know I'm a girl?" He said, "Oh, pardon, Miguelita."

Hot Agua

My husband tried to prepare me for the move to Costa Rica...you know, the part that's not all beaches and palm trees. The poverty and bars on all windows, the blatant disregard for all traffic laws, the corruption, etc. One thing he failed to prepare me for was the cold water. In Costa Rica there is one knob for the water faucet, and it's the cold water knob. We bought a little machine called a Therma Ducha and it hooks up to the shower head and heats up the water as it comes out. If you turn on too much water it won't heat up so there's not a lot of pressure, but a few strands of hot water is better than a full stream of cold water. Well yesterday was a very traumatic day for me. The Therma Ducha STOPPED WORKING. So once again I was back to heating water on the stove to bathe with, just like when I first moved here...which made me think to when I first moved here. I always think of myself as an open-minded-ready-for-anything kind of person...but moving to a different country takes more than being open-minded. My pride (and my Mom not sending me a plane ticket) kept me here and I'm glad I stuck it out. Now I have a great job, home, car, and my husband just installed a new Therma Ducha. I guess the point of this is to say that I'm really grateful for all that I have, and yes, I took a lot for granted when I was in the States...no, not just the hot water...but when you turn that hot water knob be sure and do a little hot water dance and think about me.

Dengue

Dengue fever, also known as breakbone fever, is an infectious tropical disease caused by the dengue virus. Symptoms include fever, headache, muscle and joint pains, and a characteristic skin rash that is similar to measles. In a small proportion of cases the disease develops into the life-threatening dengue hemorrhagic fever, resulting in bleeding, low levels of blood platelets and blood plasma leakage, or into dengue shock syndrome, where dangerously low blood pressure occurs.Dengue is transmitted by several species of mosquito. (From Wikipedia)

Ticos take Dengue fever very seriously. During summer mosquito time, official-looking men in uniforms walk around and confiscate anything that has standing water in it...bowls, old tires, etc. Other official-looking men walk around with loud hand-held machines and spray a white smoke in every one's yard. The first three months I lived in Costa Rica, my husband worked 1 hour away so he would sleep at his parent's house during the week. There were a lot of things I learned on my own, or with the help from my neighbor. The first time I heard the loud machines I went outside and noticed everyone was standing in their yards looking in the direction of the noise...so I did too. A little while later I noticed this white cloud coming with the noise. A short while after that, one of the men entered my yard and sprayed... then he entered my house. He sprayed the poison smoke all over my house and then walked back out the front door and kept going down the street. Little did I know that if you left your door open that meant you wanted them to spray INSIDE the house... My neighbor comes running over yelling for me to "Abras las ventanas! Abras las ventanas! (Open the windows!)" This was right before I started to vomit from the smell. My neighbor then explained to me that I was supposed to have covered all my dishes and food and had all the windows and doors open. Lesson: doors + open = dengue spray. Dengue spray + food = throw food away.

Terremotos...Earthquakes

So I'd never been in an earthquake until I moved to Costa Rica. The first one I experienced was a few weeks after I arrived, and I was in the upstairs part of a cabana at my in-laws house...no, the upstairs part of a cabana is not stable. So I was lying in the bed and it started shaking. I thought my husband had snuck upstairs and was shaking the bed trying to scare me...which is why I yelled out, "Stop shaking the bed!" Then I heard my husband come RUNNING up the stairs yelling, "Are you ok?! Are you ok!! It was a terremoto!!" I said, "Who is Terry Moto?" When my husband was able to stop laughing and breathe again he said, "Terremoto means earthquake, not Terry Moto." Earthquake number two happened a few weeks after that. I was standing in the living room at my in-law's house (again) and I was standing up looking down at a table, and the table started shaking. A few seconds later it stopped and I heard a BLOODY MURDER SCREAM from outside. It was like nothing I have ever heard in my entire LIFE. So I ran outside because I thought someone was hurt from of the earthquake... and heard chanting and yelling and crying coming from the neighbor's house...and more screaming. All the lights were off at their house so I ran back inside my in-law's to look for a flashlight. That's when I ran into my father-in-law, who asked me what I was searching for. I told him I needed a flashlight because I thought the neighbors were hurt... That's when he informed me that no one was hurt, they were just performing an exorcism. Yes, hola Emily Rose! That night I slept with my eyes open and my bilingual Bible...I wasn't sure if the demons would speak Spanish or English. Earthquake number three happened this morning. I came home from working the night shift and got in the bed, and a few hours later my body shook..and then shook again...and then shook again. I woke up my husband and yelled, "TERRY MOTO!!" Actually it wasn't an earthquake...my German Shepperd had gotten up in the bed and was lying on her side with her back against my back... and she had the hiccups.

Crazy Carz

So yesterday I decided to venture out for the first time in the car to a public place by myself...up until now I've only been driving to and from work. I went to the mall and drove through the whole parking lot searching for a spot...and accidentally ended up in the drive through line for McDonalds. Yes, there is a McDonald's outside the mall, and I couldn't tell where the line was for the drive through and where the line was to leave...so after going through the drive thru and trying to explain in Spanish that I didn't want anything that it was an accident, I finally get out of the parking lot...and make it to the parking garage. There were signs everywhere explaining parking rates and where to get a time-stamped ticket, closing time blablabla...but dare I try to read the signs? Hell NO! Because half of Costa Rica was behind me honking their horns like they had somewhere important to be....hello....it's a mall. Drivers here are SO IMPATIENT here. Seventy-five percent don't even follow basic traffic laws...like stop at t red light or stop at a stop sign. Anytime you are stopped at red light (if you are one of the few who stop) motorcycle drivers all weave between the cars to make it up to the front of the line, and then run the red light. Anyway, after running in the mall and getting a chai latte from the only place in the whole country I can find that sells them, and paying some bills, I got back in the car and headed for Wal-mart. (We just got Wal-mart!!) Well that trip wasn't much better. In fact I didn't even make it because I got lost and it started raining and people started that rude horn honking again because I was driving too slow. I turned around and came back home :(  I'll try again another day.

New Car!!!

So 3 days ago I finally bought a car, after 1 year and 3 months of not driving. Background: In May of 2010 I sold my car, and my husband and I moved to Costa Rica (he's Tico). We decided my husband would drive the car from the dealership to the gas station. From the gas station I was going to drive home...but on the way I decided to go by my work place to make sure I knew the route. So not far from my work place I look over at my husband and ask him to get my badge out of my purse so we could pass through the gate. I looked back at the road right as I'm driving through an uncovered manhole. (Nice common Costa Rican prank...removing metal manhole covers.) The sound was so loud, and my husband was so not happy. I decided not to go by my workplace after all, and went on home. When we got out of the car we could hear shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...that would be the sound air makes as it's leaking from a tire. Well my husband silently changed the tire and put on the spare (because we had had the car a full 45 minutes), and I called the dealership and told them something was wrong with the tire. The salesman told us to bring the car back, and we did. When we got to the dealership the manager and service guy and salesman all gathered around the flat tire and met for a loooong time. After what seemed like forever, the service manager came up to my husband and me and said, "It looks like somebody slashed your tire. People do that here and then follow you and rob you when you stop. We'll give you a new tire, and it will be covered under the guarantee." Yes, I am probably going to hell because I said, "Wow! I can't believe that!", instead of, "Wow, I ran through an open manhole." So I'll be doing some extra good deeds this week! Driving here is weird because it's in kilometers and not miles...so the signs on the highway say 90 km/h, but I always feel like I'm speeding even though it's only like 55 mph. It's good that I work overnights since there is no traffic at that time! I love the new car, but it's also weird. It has "full extras" but only the front 2 windows are automatic...the back 2 are manual roll downs...but no more bus or walking in the rain or taxi!!!!!! Woohooo!!!!!!!!!

My First Day in the Country...

Also known as the day my mother-in-law and I kissed...on the mouth...by accident. So in the friendly country of Costa Rica people don't shake hands- they kiss on the cheek...the RIGHT cheek to be more specific. So we're at the airport, Jose (my husband), Jose (my chihuahua), and Raven (my teacup Pomeranian). We're all nervous and excited (except Jose the dog because he was drugged). After making our way through Immigration and gathering all 4 of our HUMONGO suitcases, we make our way to Customs...where they waive us through and don't even check my dog carriers. I mean thank God I really was carrying dogs and not trantulas like the smuggler I saw when I was coming back from Panama after a visa run...but that's another blog. So we gather up the 4 suitcases, backpack, laptop case, and 2 dog carriers and head for the exit. While Jose is fighting off the overly-aggressive taxistas all wanting to take us somewhere (I’m sure for the Gringa price), I look up and see Jose the man’s dad. I recognized him from pictures I’d seen and video chats on the computer...Then I see his miniatue mom and miniautre sister...WOW! He was right, they are tiny and I was a giant (and I’m only five ft. six in., imagine my mom at five, ten). So he really is the tallest in his family. Anyway, we all rush up to eah other to hug - well I thought we were going to hug..but it turned out to be the cheek-kiss-greeting. So as I go up to his mom (my mother-in-law), I don’t turn my head to give my cheek, but keep looking straight ahead...and we kissed...on the lips. Talk about that everlasting first impression..that was a winner!! Then I look around and notice that everyone was crying so no one had noticed. They were all happy and crying because Jose, their oldest son, was back after 3 years of being in the United States. I was crying because I missed my mom.

Top five reasons I'll never pass for Tica:

In Costa Rica there are many "white" people with light hair and light colored eyes... so I thought maybe one day I will fit in and pass for Tica. Here are the top five reasons i've been told, "you'll never pass for Tica":

1. "Your clothes are weird...nobody wears dresses with tennis shoes."

2. "Your hair is crazy....women here don't shave their head."

3. "Your Spanish has a Mexican accent."

4. "You're too friendly."

five. My favorite one..the one from my husband: "Mi amor there are many people here with white skin, like you have. And even people with green eyes, like you have... But NOBODY has white eyebrows, like you have."

Gringa Price

That's the price I pay as someone from the United States in Costa Rica on a daily basis. The man in the red van drives around with his microphone and says: "Huevos! Frescos! Huevos! $1,800 colones" Then he comes to me and I give him $2,000 colones exptecting 200 back in change but he said I owed 200 colones more...making the total price $2,200 for only me. I told him (in Spanish), "Hey I speak Spanish and I'm not a tourist. I heard you say the 30 eggs cost $1,800 colones...his response: "Pero ellos son mas grandes!"...yeah so I had to pay more because he was selling me the "most large" eggs.